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LATEST DIALOGUES Making Love with Everything and Nothing

Image by Karen O'Moore

Image by Karen O’Moore

I had sex for the first time because there was a Me I wanted to be. I wanted to be a Me who had “been there, done that.” I wanted to be a  Me who could utter a resounding “No!” when accused of virginity. I wanted to be a Me who was no longer that scared kid in an alcoholic home, who was instead tough, seasoned and utterly jaded. This first experience spilled over into many more. Some fun or hot. Some disappointing or scary. Very few open, connected, or truly alive. Then again, my life in general was not open, connected or truly alive. I spent a majority of my time suffering or finding ways to numb that suffering.

A lot of my suffering involved romantic relationships. I had no true intimacy, as sex was just another way to build up one Self and hide from another. There was no sense of unity with the world around me, and certainly not with my sexual partners. Even looking someone in the eye during sex was light years away from my comfort zone. A good relationship, this lack of connection did not make. I could not see that I was not separate from my partners or anything else. I was deeply attached to whatever Self was yelling the loudest. By the time I found my spiritual practice I had bottomed out on being a Me, especially the anxious, shut down, and painfully separate version that years of hard living had created.

As I clawed my way through the effects of a trauma-filled life, utilizing meditation, recovery groups, and therapy, I had no idea that all the versions of Me would coming crashing down to reveal what I really am. Everything and Nothing. What a surprise for someone who had spent her life tethered to a never-ending spiral of Selfing! I also had a big surprise in store for me when it came to sex.

It seems that time slows, or perhaps doesn’t exist at all. Your breath is your partner’s breath which is the breath of everything. As you inhale, so does the universe. At first you can’t tell your body from her’s. One warm, pulsing, entity of energy. Then there is no body at all. Something can see through your eyes, taste though your mouth, touch through your fingertips, but it is not made of thoughts and emotions. It is not a Me. If you have experienced this, you know just what I’m talking about.

The first time I began to recognize the Everything and Nothing during sex, I was shocked right back into a solid self. This self said “Holy moly! I just had a spiritual awakening! I want more of that!” This is common with early spiritual insights. The Self arises and tries hold on to the experience. Of course the moment that happens, and you become attached to that self, Poof! You are landlocked once again. But over time these insights add up and the gap between rememberings gets smaller. This has been the case for me with both my spiritual and sexual development, though I don’t really see these two as separate anymore. It’s all included.

originally published in Jan, 2015

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Jessica Graham teaches two weekly classes in Los Angeles, <a href="">Eastside Mindfulness Meditation</a>, and <a href="">RiverRock Meditation in The Well</a>. She also co-leads daylong meditation retreats with author and teacher, Michael W. Taft. She has been trained in Shinzen Young’s Basic Mindfulness System and also draws inspiration from Adyashanti, Pema Chödrön, Tara Brach, and Michael A.Singer, among others. Jessica is a contributing editor for the meditation blog, <a href="">Deconstructing Yourself</a>, in which her popular series <a href="">Mindful Sex</a> appears. Jessica is also an actor and producer. For more information or to contact Jessica visit her <a href="">website.</a>

8 Responses to “Making Love with Everything and Nothing”

  1. January 22, 2015 at 12:12 am, Himanshu Tripathi said:

    I agree with the thought and experience you had as it was very similar in my case too.Its probably a sign post that every individual passes who is seeking the meaning of self or some times just seeking for higher self without realizing the act. The experience of self and non duality is/ has been the very purpose of sexual experience. To experience the non physical reality where everything merges in unknown. I say unknown as i find no suitable words to express it. Its hard to believe that ancients were wise enough to consider it sacred and a medium for self realization while in our time its either a taboo or just an act. Wish you luck for your journey.

    • January 22, 2015 at 7:10 pm, Jessica Graham said:

      Thanks for reading and for sharing your thoughts! It is hard to find the words suitable to express the unknown. I enjoy the process of attempting to and the dialog on it with people like you.

      • January 23, 2015 at 11:59 pm, Himanshu Tripathi said:

        True indeed..Its really hard to explain it in words. May be the reason its is known as “Experience”. A wonderful feeling. And sharing it with people who understand it, is something that makes me feel contented. Hope to share thoughts and ideas with people like you and learn as much as i can. Once again thank you for this wonderful article and sharing your experience.

  2. January 22, 2015 at 2:20 pm, Steve Daut said:

    Everything is included. Excluding anything- the sex and happiness you wish to embrace, or the dark places you want to push away- limits the ability to fully realize Reality.

    • January 22, 2015 at 7:12 pm, Jessica Graham said:

      I couldn’t agree more. Thanks for reading and for joining the discussion, Steve!

  3. January 22, 2015 at 9:03 pm, David Sjöberg said:

    Wonderfully written. I’m having more and more of those experiences expressed here and it’s nice to relate to someone else in this. Thank you.

    • January 22, 2015 at 10:56 pm, Jessica Graham said:

      Thank you, David. It is nice, and so important, to find people to relate to in these ways. There can be a lot of experiences of loneliness on this path and connection with other people is so helpful! Thanks for reading and for your kind words.

  4. May 25, 2016 at 2:40 pm, mayagaia said:

    With the caveat that it does not intend to be a model for a spiritual practice – an anecdote of an (Google) “nirvikalpa samadhi journey” spontaneously triggered by an ecstatic sexual orgasm, suggests that when desirelessness arises – grace may bestow supreme awakening.

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